Too Young?

"Well maybe I'm just too young
To keep good love from going wrong"
Lover, You Should've Come Over - Jeff Buckley

I think this quote embodies a good deal of my life in the past 2 months or so. First of all, I've been listening to a lot of Jeff Buckley. This statement is most likely informed by the second statement. Secondly, I've been enjoying the gift of being able to spend time with a great girl that I surprisingly get to call my girlfriend. I say surprisingly because I'm still surprised that its working out this way 'cause I don't feel like I deserve it at all.

So before you leave because you find this sentiment disgusting (I've been there too) let me tell you that I wanna get my point across without being overtly emotional. There's a time and a place for everything. I don't feel like this is the time or place.

Here's what I'm getting at. I feel completely inadequate to make any of this happen on my own accord. I've felt this way a few times in my life about a few different things but its happened a lot recently. No matter how much energy I muster I don't feel like I have the grit or manpower to inspire this girl to care for me more. In fact, I know I don't. This fact kills my pride. It ways heavy on me; however, I am comfortable with this discomfort. I realize that this is not my responsibility but it points me back to the Giver of all that's good.

Here's my point. Guys, you wanna really understand what it looks like to rely on God in all things? Wanna understand how full of sin you really are? Get a girlfriend. Even if things go perfectly well, you will nearly be crippled by the great threat of your trampling under foot the precious gift that you've been given. I know this because this is the tension I live in every day. My confession is that I haven't been at this too long. I'm sure there are many other people that have infinitely better and more interesting things to say. Just giving you some instruction as I'm running across it.

More Late Night Musings

We truly are half-hearted people. C.S. Lewis is often quoted to say that the problem with humanity is not that we love too much but that we love too little. This has begun to really hit home with me. As I see it, our depravity is not expressed by over indulging in sins but through not chasing joy. Once again I find myself at this idea. Do not misunderstand, we do often overindulge in things which leads to sin. The root of the issue is not that we love sex or alcohol too much, its that we fail to find enjoyment in greater things.

It is much easier to drink away our misery on the weekends than it is to face the dissatisfaction that nearly cripples us during the work week. It is much easier to lust than to learn what true love actually looks like. Instead of reflecting on how we could best live, we attempt to numb the pain and hurt of living a dissatisfied life by turning to a quick relief.

I think this idea of chasing and fighting for joy is evident in pop culture. For example, a great number of movies out there are about romantic relationships. Guy meets girl. Guy and girl hit it off. Some crisis happens. Guy and girl must fight to keep their relationship alive. The moral of this is not that we should hold up romantic relationships as our greatest fulfillment. The moral that we should take from this is that some things are worth fighting for.

Too often in my own life I trade something that will be edifying yet difficult for a familiar comfort. It's easier for me to spend my days sleeping, watching movies, and playing guitar instead of cultivating deep relationships.

In Dante's Inferno, the first few rings of hell below Limbo are reserved for the overindulgent, for the lustful, the gluttonous, and the avaricious (greedy). I'm starting to understand why Dante arranged things in this way. The problem with these sins is not truly the sin itself but that we try to find our enjoyment in it. Sex and wine were created by God to be enjoyed. We have taken these and perverted them in an attempt to satisfy ourselves. Our longings go much deeper than that. Anyone who says different is a liar.



So the inevitable question comes. Where can I find fulfillment? What do I long for? Which of these desire must be met? What do I often turn to in order to find fulfillment? Will this satisfy in the end? What are practical steps I can take to find true fulfillment?

I cannot answer these questions for you. I struggle to answer these questions for myself; however, this is a fight worth fighting. This journey will not be easy but that's the point. Only, after revealing our deepest longings can we seek to find fulfillment for them. The greatest plea that I can make is that we will stop being half-hearted people and seek to find deep, meaningful satisfaction.




P.S. I understand this post is very humanistic. This is by deign. Those who know me will know that I believe the gospel is the only thing that truly brings satisfaction. Don't hear what I'm not saying. I desire that this post be more practical than philosophical. I desire to inspire my friends to pick up a pad and pen and begin to wade through how they should live life. This is what this post inspires in me. I hope it does the same for others.

Selfish-ly Chasing Joy

Evening ladies and gents, or should I say good morning. Screw it. I'm still up so it's night time for me. Like I said, evening ladies and gents. I've been thinking about many things as of late. I thought I'd share some of that with you. Hopefully, this post will be a bit more constructive than my latest post.

Lately I've been reading Inside Out by Dr. Larry Crabb. This book basically encourages us to truly take a look into the core of who we are, sin, disappointments, sadness, and all. Only after we face these things and realize that we can never be satisfied on our own can we truly live a redeemed life. It is only after realizing that Christ is the only source of joy that we can begin to find our joy in Christ. This seems simple enough.

The first line lays a lot of groundwork for Crabb's approach in the rest of the book, "Modern Christianity, in dramatic reversal of its biblical form, promises to relieve the pain of living in a fallen world." The point here is that although true joy is found in Christ we will not be satisfied on this side of eternity; however, we must chase joy in this life so that we will receive its culmination in eternity. We struggle to find our satisfaction in Christ on earth 1) Because Christ is the only one that grants true joy and 2) Because if we struggle to be satisfied in Christ here on earth then we will be granted complete satisfaction in eternity.

This idea is not only held by Crabb. John Piper says much the same thing in Desiring God. Piper identifies this philosophy as Christian hedonism. This has not been the first time that I have interacted with this philosophy. In fact, I claim to believe the same things as Crabb and Piper. The problem is that I often fail to live in a way that supports my belief. My actions prove me to be a liar.

I have once again come to understand that it would be insane to continue chasing things that will never satisfy me. I consciously understand that satisfaction can only be found in the finished work of Christ. It is time to once again live like this is true.

This realization cannot be a one-time occurrence. I must constantly come back to this idea. There will always be areas of my life that I will fight to keep from being redeemed. Consequently, these will be the areas that will rob me of any joy that I could possibly have.

This is not a re-commitment. This is not a salvation decision. This is me "working out my salvation with fear and trembling". Do not simply comment on this change in my life. Identify the areas of your life that are robbing you of joy. Remember you will never find satisfaction in that sin. Move on. Christ died that we might live life to its fullest. Stop trying to find satisfaction in the same crap you were unsatisfied with yesterday. Mark Driscoll would tell you to quit driving around the same cul-de-sac of stupidity. Be selfish enough to chase your own joy. You'll find you won't end up living for yourself.



P.S. This is what Inside Out looks like. You should read it.

Relationships are the only thing that matters in life. I know this because I'm barely in any any relationships. If you consider yourself my friend don't offense in this. Understand that this is the depressed me talking.

I was thinking today that this is probably the loneliest I've been in my 20 years of living. This is of course with good reason. I've never been in a situation like I am now. I've never lived away from people that truly know me. Well actually freshman year of college probably wasn't much different except that I had something to be excited about. I don't feel like I have much to be excited about right now. Sure I'm involved in a pretty sweet community but I'm still getting to know everyone. I've never had to get to know pretty much everyone. I've always had that person or those couple of people that I can go to when I get frustrated or lonely. This isn't my current situation.

Honestly much of this talk has come from me spending too much time by myself. That is never a good situation. I quickly become depressed. I sleep more. I read less. I play guitar less. I do pretty much nothing.

I knew this change was going to be hard but nothing can prepare you for it. Nothing can prepare you for the frustration and loneliness. A lot of people at school would ask me if I was excited about moving. I said yes. I was excited. Well, that excitement has worn off. Now I'm just left with myself. I don't like being alone with myself. I am still very depraved. Also, in case you haven't caught onto this yet, I'm also very narcissistic. Not that I constantly put people down or praise myself in order to gain attention. No it is much more passive than that. I joke with people so I can separate myself from them therefore allowing me to elevate myself over them in my mind. I drop subtle hints to people in conversation hoping that they catch on and make me feel important. If they don't catch on then I write them off as stupid or ignorant. I understand that I do all this. It's just that its more comfortable for me to live this way, even if I end up all alone.

Sure, I have regrets. I have regrets from yesterday and I still carry regrets from over five years ago. These regrets don't make it much easier to look at myself in the mirror. I see a guy that should have had that conversation instead of plowing ahead in something that I knew wasn't going to end well. I see a guy that never should have taken an interest in that girl. I see a guy who often tries to push people away and then gets mad when they're gone.

Look, I know I should deal with these things. It's just much easier to keep being prideful. Besides how many people actually get over these things. At the end of the day most people are still carrying their baggage even though they've been talking for years about having put it down. At least be honest about it for goodness sake.

So there's your daily dose of depression. I hope it hasn't been too much for you. Like I said at the beginning don't take offense to this. Maybe you are one of those few people who I count on. This has just been me dumping my mind and emotions. I understand that it's not a good idea. Few people read this thing any ways. I feel like its safe.

Assorted Hitler

I feel like mixing it up today. So instead of the route journal post you will in turn be blessed with selections from Hitler's Secret Conversations. Why you might ask? Because I'm in the library between classes and this book is near my face and it interests me.

19th October 1941 "Above all, large families"

"The essential thing for the future is to have lots of children. Everbody should be persuaded that a family's like is assured only when it has up wards of four children. If we had practised the system of two-children families in the old days, Germany would have been deprived of her greatest geniuses. How does it come about that the exceptional being in a family is often the fifth, seventh, tenth, or twelfth in the row?"

I disagree with this quote. The exceptional being as it appears to me is generally the firstborn. Perhaps I'm slightly biased.

21st October 1941 "Julian the Apostate and the Christian religion"

"When one thinks of the opinions held concerning Christianity by our best minds a hundred, two hundred years ago, one is ashamed to realize how little we have since evolved."

Of course I take the complete opposite stance from Hitler on this one. The fact that thoughts on Christianity have not change drastically throughout history seems to me to be a proof of validity.

"Nobody was more tolerant that the Romans. Every man could pray to the god of his choice, and a place was even reserved in the temples for the unknown god. Moreover, every man prayed as he chose, and had the right to proclaim his preferences. St. Paul knew how to exploit this state of affaris in order to conduct his struggle against the Roman State. Nothing has changed; the method has remained sound. Under cover of a pretended religious instruction, the priests continue to incite the faithful against the State."

I agree and disagree with this. I do think Paul was crafty in the ways in which he related to culture. I don't think he was trying to undermine the state but simply to spread the gospel. I do think the later half still takes place today. There are numerous preachers that stand up under the name of the gospel and only seek to further their polictical interests. They brainwash their faithfully ignorant congregation by wooing them in with a man-centered gospel and then stir up dissension in their hearts against the state and culture. This breaks my heart. Partially that people are decieved by this and because these sermons serve as a testament to the gospel to a depraved society. Heavy stuff.

In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth

What is that I hear? You want some more journal entries?. Your wish is my command dear reader. I don't really feel like making myself remember what happened in the last couple of days so I'm gonna talk about today.

Today I was thinking about riding my bike to class but I didn't because I decided to stay on campus pretty much all day instead of coming back and forth. I had class today at 12:25 and then my senior recital hearing at 7:30. The plan was to do homework in between but that didn't really happen. I walked past the baseball stadium and saw that they were gearing up for a game. Needless to say, I felt it was necessary to watch the game and do homework. So after a quick trip to the clab and sonic me and Jake find ourselves going to the baseball game. Turns out some friends were already there. So as already revealed this all lead to me not doing any school work. I don't really regret it though. It was so nice outside today. Spring has definitely been rearing its head. The past couple of weeks I didn't think spring would ever be a possibility. But yeah, baseball + nice weather + good friends = me not doing any school work.

So after watching all of the baseball game I went to the clab and got the stuff done that I needed to get done. Then off to the recital hearing. I think it went pretty well. The bummer was the timing of it all. Tuesday night is generally when we have Samson Society. We pushed it back which I thought would work but our professors kept us for an hour (no exaggeration) after our recital to talk about how we did. We passed but I would much rather have received an e-mail about the things we messed up on than spending an hour talking about ever little mistake when I could be doing things much more important.

This leads me to a pet peeve of mine. Well, I don't know if pet peeve is really the right word its something that definitely gets on my nerves. I hate being stuck doing pointless mind numbing things when I have much more productive things that I should be doing. I only really learned about this situation when I'm at Liberty. A lot of it has to do with Samson Society too. Tonight is a good example but there have been many times where I have had to fulfill some other duty instead of doing Samson. Sophomore year we had Samson on Tuesday nights also. The problem is I lived on campus at the time. So many times instead of being able to continue a great conversation or just simply enjoy some much needed chill time with some great dudes I had to go to hall meeting. The more I think about it, Liberty kids are the best at diligently doing a bunch of things that don't matter. I guess this is a good frustration. I need to be frustrated in these situations. It helps me realize what I really desire. Well, that's not really an exhaustive description of what happened today but I'm tired. Peace.

P.S. My soundtrack for this blog has been...



EAVB_XSUNXKZKSB

Why Is a Raven Like a Writing Desk?

Guess who got a haircut! Late night. New post soon.

Strawberry Shortpants

Too tired to journal tonight and I have an early class tomorrow. Maybe I'll post an update tomorrow recapping tonight. Regardless, I've leave you with this.

Sleepwalking

Day two of journal blogging: I'm kinda tired so let's see how much I actually type. This morning began much like Monday morning but instead of hitting the snooze I just turned the alarm back an hour. I don't know why I've been so tired as of late. Maybe it's because I'm staying up till 1 AM talking about how tired I am. That's quite a conundrum. I like that word. Anyhow, I got up and went to my only class of the day. I actually raised my hand and made a comment in class today. That doesn't happen too often. I normally only comment when I feel like someone is missing the point on something of importance. Everyone kept telling me after class that my comments were really good. I mostly used Scripture instead of my own opinion. I guess that's revolutionary in the Center for Worship.

After class I had to turn in a form at the registrar. I thought about stopping in and saying hi to my former teacher Dr. Crider but I didn't. I regret that now. In the moment I psyched myself out of it because I thought it would be awkward. Actually, I was prob wrong. I was just being insecure. Hopefully one day I'll actually go see Dr. Crider. He is a good man who unfortunately has been taken advantage of. The great thing is that he still displays Christ in his current situation. Honestly, he is one of the most Christ-like men that I've ever met. Man, I should have talked to him.

After that I spent most of the afternoon around the house doing laundry and stuff. I hung out with the Samson Society guys for an hour or so then I had to go practice music with some classmates. I would have much rather stayed with the guys. I'm kinda getting tired of having to work with classmates. Generally I have much better things that I could be doing and their attitude is super lackadaisical. I end up being that jerk that's always reminding the group of the task at hand. I guess someones has to take that role. Why not me? On the other end, maybe I'm just being selfish. There's a fine line to tread there.

In other news, after practice me and Jake went out to eat at IHOP, which is probably attributing to my lack of sleepiness tonight (I had coffee). Jake was the man 'cause he paid. It started with me commenting at the house that I wish I had money to go to IHOP cause I was having a craving. It ended with Jake treating. Thanks Jake. One day I will repay you, most likely in some other way, but it will be payment none the less. Good times at IHOP though. Jake, Seth (who happened to be there at the same time), and myself had a good conversation about music and concerts. That's definitely another reason to press forward on working out my finances. I'm getting the concert itch. Unfortunately, my wallet won't help relieve my itch. Stingy little jerk.

Final random thoughts: Once again, I was thinking about getting that tattoo. I really want to make that happen but I have to figure out the finances// It was snowing again today. That's weird// I'm still waiting to see about that huge possible snowstorm later on in March// John 6:64-69// I've been rediscovering Blindside. They're awesome. Word is they're releasing a new album this year. That's sweet. Here's a video.

German Chocolate Cake Pants

I've recently decided that I should try to communicate my thoughts throughout and about a day into some type of journal/diary. I actually don't know if there is any real difference between a journal and a diary. The distinguishing aspect that I can see is the speaker's or in this sense the writer's sensitivity of his manliness. Anyhow, instead of scribbling some thoughts down in a notebook that I will eventually throw out I decided that I would offer my thoughts to my supposed readers. So, this has been my disclaimer.

I woke up rather late this morning. Mostly because I am insane and procrastinated on going to bed until 2 am when I woke up at 6 am that mourning. Definitely not the smartest thing I've ever done. I hit the snooze button three times this morning. I didn't know the snooze button existed until I got to college. I doubt that I've used the snooze button more than fifteen times in my lifetime. If my estimation is correct, a fifth of my snooze button career took place this morning. That's not a good way to start a day.

I went to my guitar lesson, which is my first "class" of the day. I then skipped my second and final class of the day, which is another guitar class. I believe this decision was actually made during my restless snooze button period. After my guitar lesson, I got gas and treated myself to some Sheetz donuts. Sheetz donuts allow me to continue having hope that one can find and eat both delicious and cheap food. I guess this is more of a possibility than I might imagine but I have a irrational fear of getting food poisoning. I say irrational because I have never had food poisoning and I only know two people who have ever gotten food poisoning.

I will spare you the details of the rest of my afternoon and evening. None of it was productive. In fact, I would say I was quite selfish today, mostly with my time and energy.

In other news, our refrigerator is broken. This marks the second time this semester that this has happen. This means it is also the second time that we have had to clean out our refrigerator. I don't think I will ever get to the point where I don't despise cleaning out the fridge. Elias tried to call our property manager but never got a response. This is a trend that is continuing from last time. I wish I actually had enough groceries in the fridge to be mad that I had to throw them away but I don't. That would be a good point for an argument with our property manager. Oh well.

That's pretty much it. I don't know when the last time I ate was. I should go take care of that. Farewell.

Fulfillment

The soul knows of no time of rest. This is how I write to you now. Though the body may weaken, strength is not found in chemicals alone. God has chosen to show Himself in the image of man. We are a passionate being. Our lives are not the sum of our accomplishments but the result of the moments we have seized. As Mr. Lewis has said, it is not that our longings are too great but too weak. We are satisfied in crafting mud pies in the city when a holiday at the beach awaits. Carpe Diem. Seize the day or so we are taught. Life has taught me that the majority of those who utter this phrase know nothing of its power. The wisest man in all of mankind once wrote that the most profitable thing a man can do is to eat, drink, and find fulfillment in his work. So may your food taste richer, your wine bolder, and may your work be more enjoyable. Wine makes glad the heart of men but it also mocks them. Moderation in all things, excluding joy.

Soli Deo Gloria.

I Start To Run

Do you like bizarre old men with guns? How about polka dotted horses? What about creepy guys with with video cameras? How do you feel about ridiculously albino women? Regardless of your answer to any of these questions I have a video for you.

Encouragement to Mourn

Ecclesiastes 7:1-2

...The day of death is better than the day of birth.
It is better to go to the house of mourning
than go to the house of feasting,
for this is the end of all mankind
and the living will lay it to heart.

Birth is about potential. Death is about completion. Live in reality. Walk in truth.