Relationships are the only thing that matters in life. I know this because I'm barely in any any relationships. If you consider yourself my friend don't offense in this. Understand that this is the depressed me talking.

I was thinking today that this is probably the loneliest I've been in my 20 years of living. This is of course with good reason. I've never been in a situation like I am now. I've never lived away from people that truly know me. Well actually freshman year of college probably wasn't much different except that I had something to be excited about. I don't feel like I have much to be excited about right now. Sure I'm involved in a pretty sweet community but I'm still getting to know everyone. I've never had to get to know pretty much everyone. I've always had that person or those couple of people that I can go to when I get frustrated or lonely. This isn't my current situation.

Honestly much of this talk has come from me spending too much time by myself. That is never a good situation. I quickly become depressed. I sleep more. I read less. I play guitar less. I do pretty much nothing.

I knew this change was going to be hard but nothing can prepare you for it. Nothing can prepare you for the frustration and loneliness. A lot of people at school would ask me if I was excited about moving. I said yes. I was excited. Well, that excitement has worn off. Now I'm just left with myself. I don't like being alone with myself. I am still very depraved. Also, in case you haven't caught onto this yet, I'm also very narcissistic. Not that I constantly put people down or praise myself in order to gain attention. No it is much more passive than that. I joke with people so I can separate myself from them therefore allowing me to elevate myself over them in my mind. I drop subtle hints to people in conversation hoping that they catch on and make me feel important. If they don't catch on then I write them off as stupid or ignorant. I understand that I do all this. It's just that its more comfortable for me to live this way, even if I end up all alone.

Sure, I have regrets. I have regrets from yesterday and I still carry regrets from over five years ago. These regrets don't make it much easier to look at myself in the mirror. I see a guy that should have had that conversation instead of plowing ahead in something that I knew wasn't going to end well. I see a guy that never should have taken an interest in that girl. I see a guy who often tries to push people away and then gets mad when they're gone.

Look, I know I should deal with these things. It's just much easier to keep being prideful. Besides how many people actually get over these things. At the end of the day most people are still carrying their baggage even though they've been talking for years about having put it down. At least be honest about it for goodness sake.

So there's your daily dose of depression. I hope it hasn't been too much for you. Like I said at the beginning don't take offense to this. Maybe you are one of those few people who I count on. This has just been me dumping my mind and emotions. I understand that it's not a good idea. Few people read this thing any ways. I feel like its safe.